How to Communicate Better in a Relationship: 7 Things to Try
Updated: Sep 19
Written by: Sarah Yosra Azzam, Registered Psychotherapist
Have you ever started a conversation about something small and somehow ended up arguing about five other things?
Or tried to explain how you feel only to hear:
“That's not what I meant”
And suddenly you are both defending yourselves instead of talking about what started the conversation.
That does not necessarily mean you are bad at communicating.
Sometimes two people who care about each other get caught in a pattern that becomes very familiar.
The following ideas are not rules for “perfect communication.” Think of them as things you can experiment with.
If you are wondering how to communicate better in a relationship, the goal is not perfect communication. It is learning how to slow things down enough to understand each other more clearly.
Start with What You Actually Want Your Partner to Understand
When you are frustrated, it is easy to begin with the part your partner did wrong.
“You never listen”
“You don't care”
“I always have to do everything”
Those sentences usually come from somewhere real. But they can also make the other person start defending themselves before they understand what you are trying to say.
Try getting closer to what you actually want them to know. For example:
“I felt alone dealing with that yesterday, and I wanted you to notice I was struggling.”
That does not guarantee agreement.
It simply gives the conversation somewhere different to begin.
Stay With One Conversation
Arguments have a way of collecting evidence.
You start talking about Saturday. Then suddenly you are discussing last Christmas, something their mother said three years ago, and who forgot to book the dentist appointment.
If there is more than one issue, that is okay.
You just do not have to solve all of them in the same conversation.
Listen for What Your Partner Is Trying to Say
Listening can be hard when you feel misunderstood yourself.
While your partner is talking, you may already be preparing your explanation.
Try pausing long enough to ask yourself: What are they actually trying to get me to understand?
You can understand your partner's experience without agreeing with every detail of how they describe it.
Understanding Is Not the Same As Agreeing
This distinction can completely change a conversation.
You can say: “I can understand why that hurt”
without saying: You are right and I am wrong”
Both people can experience the same moment differently.
The goal does not have to be deciding whose version wins.
Know When to Pause
Sometimes you are not going to solve the problem by continuing to talk.
If one of you is getting increasingly frustrated, shutting down, raising your voice, or struggling to hear what the other person is saying, a break may be more useful.
But a pause works differently from simply walking away.
Try: “I want to keep talking about this. I'm too worked up right now. Can we come back to it after dinner?”
That lets your partner know the conversation still matters.
Notice the Small Attempts to Make Things Better
Sometimes repair happens quietly.
“Can we start over?”
“That came out wrong”
“I'm sorry”
“I know you're upset”
“I don't want us to fight”
When both people are already frustrated, those moments can be easy to miss.
You do not need a perfect apology or a perfect conversation for something to start shifting.
Talk About More Than Problems
A lot of conversations in a relationship can gradually become about logistics.
Who's getting groceries? What time is pickup? Did you pay the bill? What are we doing this weekend?
Those conversations are necessary.
But if almost every interaction becomes logistical or problem-focused, it can be easy to lose track of the parts of the relationship that have nothing to do with getting things done.
Sometimes ask about something that is not a task.
Notice something your partner did.
Tell them something funny that happened.
Spend time together without using it to solve a problem.
How to Communicate Better in a Relationship When You Keep Having the Same Fight
This is important. Sometimes the problem is not that you do not know enough communication techniques.
You may know you're supposed to use an “I statement.”
You may know you should not interrupt.
You may know you should stay calm.
And then you're in the middle of the argument and none of it feels very easy to use.
That is often where it becomes useful to understand what happens between you.
Maybe one person pushes for the conversation because silence feels frightening or dismissive.
Maybe the other becomes quiet because they are worried anything they say will make things worse.
The more one reaches, the more the other pulls away.
And eventually both people feel misunderstood.
Couples therapy can help us slow that pattern down instead of simply giving you another script.
Sometimes Communication Tips Are Not the Right Starting Point
Sometimes communication tips are not the right starting point. If disagreements involve fear, threats, intimidation, controlling behaviour, or violence, the priority is understanding what is happening and what support feels safest and most appropriate. In those situations, individual support may be a better first step than couples communication work.
What Might We Work on in Couples Therapy?
Sometimes we take a recent disagreement and look closely at what happened.
Where did things shift?
What did each person hear?
What were you trying to communicate?
What happened when you started feeling upset?
What did you need that was difficult to say?
I may draw from Emotionally Focused Therapy when it is helpful to understand the emotional pattern between you, and from the Gottman Method when more practical communication, conflict, trust or relationship strategies would be useful.
You do not have to communicate perfectly for therapy to be working.
Learn More About:
Thinking About Therapy?
If you keep finding yourselves in the same conversations and are not sure how to get out of them, couples therapy can give us somewhere to slow the pattern down together.
About the Author
Sarah Yosra Azzam, Registered Psychotherapist
Sarah provides individual, youth, couples, trauma, and EMDR therapy through Nova Therapy, with in-person sessions in Toronto and Thornhill and virtual therapy across Ontario.
Last reviewed: September 2026
Comments